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» Hard Core Talk » General » FREE SPEECH BOARD » It's better to buy a gun....

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Author Topic: It's better to buy a gun....
Bare
Member
Member # 2918

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Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea
is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to
retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and
I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this
new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat
Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out
on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping
Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like H E L L !!! A minute or so later (I can't
be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what
little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Earl
[Big Grin]

--------------------
You become that which you despise.

Posts: 3571 | From: California | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
Retired Bum
Dirty Old Man
Member # 554

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Weirder....


The Retired One

Posts: 12920 | From: Hoosier State | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged
DocZeus
Uncommon Drunk
Member # 3337

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I was already laughing by the middle of the third paragraph, cause I knew where this one was going...... [Big Grin]

I can't believe you fucking Tasered your own ass. [Eek!]

DocZeus

--------------------
"Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentation of the women!"

Posts: 2674 | From: Central KY | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged
1927A1
Pheasant Entrepreneur Owner/Operator
Member # 8

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Bare, Bare, Bare, what some people will do for a thrill.

I guess you can actually say that you had The Shock of Your Life!

Did you inform your wife that it works?

1927A1

--------------------
To educate a man in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society.
---Theodore Roosevelt

Posts: 2604 | From: God's Country, WV | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged
Booker
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Member # 3326

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Now thats funny! Have you found the old family jewels or are they still MIA? LMAO!!!

Booker

Posts: 1125 | From: Kentucky | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged
Bare
Member
Member # 2918

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quote:
Originally posted by 1927A1:
Bare, Bare, Bare, what some people will do for a thrill.

I guess you can actually say that you had The Shock of Your Life!

Did you inform your wife that it works?

1927A1

Please, please, please, 1927A1. It was not I who was so foolish. Besides, my wife has her own iron. Actually, it's stainless steel. My girlfriend sent me this. [Big Grin]

--------------------
You become that which you despise.

Posts: 3571 | From: California | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
KPDPipes
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Member # 3307

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Had a Sgt who just retired, who was a REAL Gung-ho type (Frmr Marine of course)..so anyway, when they were still legal in NJ, he was looking at a Stun Gun at a vendor table at the Street Survuval Seminar. One of our co-workers walks up to him to tell hgim they're all going for Lunch, so Chet decides to "Test" the Stun Gun. ZAB, the other guy on the floor doing the worm, and foaming at the mouth with the actually Inspiring display of spontaneous profanity, and ensuing hilarity for all onlookers... Chet carried that damn thing for almost a year just DYING to have someone to use it on..unfortiunately NJ outlawed them before he could..
Posts: 155 | From: Northern NJ | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged
1927A1
Pheasant Entrepreneur Owner/Operator
Member # 8

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quote:
Originally posted by Bare:
quote:
Originally posted by 1927A1:
Bare, Bare, Bare, what some people will do for a thrill.

I guess you can actually say that you had The Shock of Your Life!

Did you inform your wife that it works?

1927A1

Please, please, please, 1927A1. It was not I who was so foolish. Besides, my wife has her own iron. Actually, it's stainless steel. My girlfriend sent me this. [Big Grin]
Okay Bare,

I didn't think you would try to pull of a stunt like that, but you never stated that this was an email sent to you.

Either way the person trying this is a good candidate for the Darwin Award.


1927A1

--------------------
To educate a man in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society.
---Theodore Roosevelt

Posts: 2604 | From: God's Country, WV | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged
Bare
Member
Member # 2918

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quote:
Originally posted by 1927A1:
quote:
Originally posted by Bare:
quote:
Originally posted by 1927A1:
Bare, Bare, Bare, what some people will do for a thrill.

I guess you can actually say that you had The Shock of Your Life!

Did you inform your wife that it works?

1927A1

Please, please, please, 1927A1. It was not I who was so foolish. Besides, my wife has her own iron. Actually, it's stainless steel. My girlfriend sent me this. [Big Grin]
Okay Bare,

I didn't think you would try to pull of a stunt like that, but you never stated that this was an email sent to you.

Either way the person trying this is a good candidate for the Darwin Award.


1927A1

[Big Grin] Indeed, indeed!

--------------------
You become that which you despise.

Posts: 3571 | From: California | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
Jungle Work
Member
Member # 373

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I wonder how that would work on a fellow's wife, who after 35 years of marriage, believes the husband should feel like he's having sex with the dead. I wonder if it would motivate and spice her up to move a little bit. Might be a wonderful "Marital Aide".

Jungle Work

--------------------
From this day to the ending of the world we in it shall be remembered. We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother. CURRAHEE

Graduate: University of South Vietnam School of Jungle Warfare

Posts: 6016 | From: Texas | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged
DocZeus
Uncommon Drunk
Member # 3337

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quote:
Originally posted by Jungle Work:
I wonder how that would work on a fellow's wife, who after 35 years of marriage, believes the husband should feel like he's having sex with the dead. I wonder if it would motivate and spice her up to move a little bit. Might be a wonderful "Marital Aide".

Jungle Work

Don't hit the button on the Down Stroke. [Big Grin]

DocZeus

--------------------
"Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentation of the women!"

Posts: 2674 | From: Central KY | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged
   

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