Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like H E L L !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Earl
-------------------- You become that which you despise. Posts: 3571 | From: California | Registered: Feb 2003
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Had a Sgt who just retired, who was a REAL Gung-ho type (Frmr Marine of course)..so anyway, when they were still legal in NJ, he was looking at a Stun Gun at a vendor table at the Street Survuval Seminar. One of our co-workers walks up to him to tell hgim they're all going for Lunch, so Chet decides to "Test" the Stun Gun. ZAB, the other guy on the floor doing the worm, and foaming at the mouth with the actually Inspiring display of spontaneous profanity, and ensuing hilarity for all onlookers... Chet carried that damn thing for almost a year just DYING to have someone to use it on..unfortiunately NJ outlawed them before he could..
Posts: 155 | From: Northern NJ | Registered: Apr 2006
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Pheasant Entrepreneur Owner/Operator
Member # 8
quote:Originally posted by Bare:
quote:Originally posted by 1927A1: Bare, Bare, Bare, what some people will do for a thrill.
I guess you can actually say that you had The Shock of Your Life!
Did you inform your wife that it works?
Please, please, please, 1927A1. It was not I who was so foolish. Besides, my wife has her own iron. Actually, it's stainless steel. My girlfriend sent me this.
I didn't think you would try to pull of a stunt like that, but you never stated that this was an email sent to you.
Either way the person trying this is a good candidate for the Darwin Award.
-------------------- To educate a man in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society. ---Theodore Roosevelt Posts: 2604 | From: God's Country, WV | Registered: Sep 2000
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I wonder how that would work on a fellow's wife, who after 35 years of marriage, believes the husband should feel like he's having sex with the dead. I wonder if it would motivate and spice her up to move a little bit. Might be a wonderful "Marital Aide".
-------------------- From this day to the ending of the world we in it shall be remembered. We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother. CURRAHEE
Graduate: University of South Vietnam School of Jungle Warfare Posts: 6016 | From: Texas | Registered: Oct 2000
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quote:Originally posted by Jungle Work: I wonder how that would work on a fellow's wife, who after 35 years of marriage, believes the husband should feel like he's having sex with the dead. I wonder if it would motivate and spice her up to move a little bit. Might be a wonderful "Marital Aide".
Don't hit the button on the Down Stroke.
-------------------- "Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentation of the women!" Posts: 2674 | From: Central KY | Registered: Jun 2006
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